How to Pick a Wife
“It provides a way for them to be thoughtful and Biblical about who they are going to spend the rest of their lives with”
I wrote an article not too long ago entitled “How to Pick a Husband.” I didn’t mean to write it. What I mean is that I wrote it for my daughters a long time ago as a kind of checklist for a godly husband. I am not sure who suggested it, but I ended up posting it here. As a result, I was asked by a friend to write its counterpart. My wife agreed and said the boys should have their own checklist. She gave me one of her looks, and so here we are.
As usual, my wife is right. The boys really do need their own checklist, because even though the man is supposed to lead the home, it is absolutely possible to marry the wrong woman.
Marriage is exhilarating, but it can seem a little risky: kind of like skydiving — you don’t know until you jump if you're going to survive. So it can’t hurt to double check your chute before you pull it.
That is the reason I have created these checklists for my kids. It provides a way for them to be thoughtful and Biblical about who they are going to spend the rest of their lives with. Yeah, that’s right, “The Rest of Their Lives.” That’s kind of a long time. Marrying the right person can be heavenly, but marrying the wrong person can be... well, you get the idea.
So here is my checklist for the boys. There will be some overlap from the girls checklist, “How to Pick a Husband,” but there are some significant differences.
“You want a wife whose true beauty comes from her virtue”
1. Born Again
Is she saved? Just like with the girl’s list, you must be able to tell, without trying, that they are saved (Ruth 3:10-11). If you cannot tell, you should walk away. This is a non-negotiable. There should be no question that she has at some point in her life made the personal decision to follow Christ. I know you think you can love her to Jesus, but you can’t. Not only is it a sin (2 Cor 6:14-15), but it is also unwise. You will not lead her to Christ, she will lead you to the world (1 Kings 21:25).
For some this first item is their entire list, but this is just the beginning. She must be a believer, and it must be obvious.
2. Virtuous (holy)
Is she virtuous? This is much the same as when I told the girls that their husband must be holy, but this is the word so often used in the Bible to describe a biblical wife (Proverbs 12:4). The word virtuous is closely connected to the word righteous and you want a wife whose true beauty (1 Peter 3:3-4; 1 Timothy 2:9-10) comes from her virtue (Acts 9:36). Regarding wives the Bible is quite clear what virtues to look for (Titus 2:3-5).
3. Virtuous (strong)
A woman’s virtue is so important that it makes the list twice. The reason why is because this appears, in the Bible, to be the quality most prized and sought after in a wife (Proverbs 31:10). But it is also listed twice because there are two sides to this word, “Virtue.”
On the one side, the word means a moral excellence, living a life of holiness, character and good works. But there is another side to this word. The etymology of this word comes from one’s ability to stand up and fight for what is right. In its original form, this word was actually the measure of a true man who went to fight valiantly in battle.
In time, the word took a broader meaning: to take a stand for what is right, both figuratively and literally. God has taken this word and made it the primary quality of a good wife. She should be holy, but she also must be strong enough to take a stand for what is right.
There is no better example than Esther. She took a virtuous stand and saved her people at the risk of her own life. Esther was some kind of woman, and this kind of virtue must not be overlooked when choosing a wife (Esther 4:15-16; 7:5-6; 9:24-25).
4. History
Does she have a shady history? Just like with, “How to Pick a Husband,” you need to be clear about what kind of past we are talking about. Is it crime, promiscuity, perversion, rebellion toward authority? What exactly are we dealing with? There is nothing wrong with marrying someone who has a past, but you must make sure their past is part of their victory story in Christ (1 Corinthians 15:9) and not something they are presently trying to overcome.
Now is the time to make this decision. Now is the time to walk away. If you decide to stay, then do so with prayer and a lot of pastoral counsel.
5. Doctrine
Does she have sound doctrine? Good doctrine is vital to a good marriage, and it is a blessing to find a wife who is grounded in solid doctrine. However the thing you are looking for is not her wealth of doctrinal knowledge, but a willingness to follow you and learn the Bible from you (1 Corinthians 14:35). If that quality is there everything else can be learned. If this quality is not there, you should walk away.
It is important that you have the same doctrine and this needs to start with you who then teaches the family (Ephesians 5:23). Having the same doctrine is vital, as it will guide you in everything you do as a couple and as a family (Amos 3:3).
6. Money
She doesn’t need any money. You should provide everything for her. That is your job.
“You want to find a wife who is already controlled by the Spirit instead of hoping they will be later”
7. Beauty
You must think that she is beautiful. You need to be physically attracted to her (Proverbs 5:18-19). However, beauty fades, and it fades quicker for women than it does for men. It is absolutely essential that you ignore the standards pushed by social media and the entertainment industry. Her beauty to you must include but go beyond her appearance. Having a perfect figure is not important, because there is no such thing. What is important is, are you attracted to her? Your sex life will be a vital part of your marriage (1 Corinthians 7:3-4), and it is important that you are ravished with your wife (Song of Solomon 4:1-7).
8. Temperament
This is very much connected to number seven. Are you attracted to her temperament? Is she outgoing? Is she shy and quiet? Is she a go-getter? Is she the life of the party or a wallflower? It doesn’t matter, they are all attractive to the right person, just remember that temperaments do not change. Do not marry her one way and then expect her to be another. There are a lot of ways a person can change and grow but this, more than likely, will not change to any great degree.
9. Spirit Filled
This is also connected to your attraction, but it is necessary for the joy of your entire relationship. There are so many aspects to being spirit filled, so I’m just going to focus on one area. How does the Spirit affect her spirit? How does he affect her attitude and personality? Is she kind (1 Corinthians 13:4)? Is she unselfish (Ruth 2:11)? Is she forgiving (Ephesians 4:32)? Regardless of her physical appearance, if she is unkind, selfish, and holds a grudge, you need to walk away (1 Corinthians 13:4).
The Bible gives us a couple of attitudes you want to avoid.
• Loud and stubborn (Proverbs 7:11)
• Contentious (arguer) and angry (Proverbs 21:19; 27:15)
The kind of spirit the Bible says is of great price to God is a meek and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:4). Meekness does not mean weakness. It means they are like Christ (Matthew 11:29). It means they have great strength and power in their spirit, but they use that power to serve.
And a quiet spirit does not mean they are shy and don’t want to talk, but again like Christ (Matthew 11:29) it is having rest in your soul. it is not being quiet per se, but a quiet spirit, a calmness within (The opposite of Proverbs 7:11).
It is certainly possible for people to change in this area. They can become controlled and guided by the Holy Spirit in the Word of God and it can change their spirit, their personality, and their attitude. However, this is not an easy transformation. You want to find a wife who is already controlled by the Spirit instead of hoping they will be later. You are looking for a wife who is Christ-like.
Listen, I am telling you this because as her husband, it will be your duty to love your wife for the rest of your life (Ephesians 5:25). So when you are choosing a wife you should remember that loving a wife is so much easier when you like her as well.
10. The Mission
This one is almost exactly the same as the husband list. Does she have a heart for the mission to which we are called (Ephesians 4:1)? Does she understand the mission to share Christ and make disciples (2 Timothy 2:2)? Does she understand home and foreign missions (Matthew 28:18-20)? Is she willing to follow you into that mission (1 Corinthians 11:1; Joshua 24:15)?
There is always room to learn more and understand the mission more clearly. The main thing is that you both see the mission for your life the same way: you both see the mission as the central purpose around which the rest of your life revolves instead of just one of life’s many categories or compartments. If this is her heart then everything else can be learned. If it is not — walk away or at the very least wait.
11. The Most Important Piece
All of these qualities are important, but when you roll them up into one person, how would you describe what you are looking for in a wife? And I would say, most importantly, you are looking for someone who wants to be a wife. There is a big difference between someone who wants to be married and someone who wants to be a wife.
The Bible provides a lot of insight on what it means to be a wife (Genesis 2:18; Ephesians 5:22; Titus 2:3-5; Proverbs 31). And it gives us so many wonderful examples of what they look like (Ruth, Esther, Abigail, etc.). The question of what makes a wife is not a difficult question to answer. The real question is, does she want to be one? Maybe she just wants to be married: to have the security, not be alone, be cared for, be in love, have a family, build a life, memorable moments, etc. These are all wonderful things, but the most important question still is, does she want to be a wife? That is a very special and high calling. If she wants to be a wife according to the Bible, then just about anything else can be worked out — just about.
“So find a wife who is godly, who is beautiful on the inside and out, who actually wants to be a wife instead of just wanting to be married”
Conclusion
Now listen boys, when you choose a wife and you have exchanged rings before God, you had better love her forever no matter what. No matter what she does, you forgive her and treat her right and protect her and provide for her til the day you die. She might not be perfect, but neither are you. You stay close to the Lord and lead her and love her with a Spirit-filled love. You should be gracious and overlook her faults and take the blame most of the time, even if it’s not your fault. That is what the Lord did for you, so you do it for her. When you get married, that is the time for grace.
However, before you get married, on this side of the wedding rings, that is the time for law. That is when you need to be wise and discerning. You have to be able to see past the physical appearance and see who she really is in the light of the Word of God. Now is the time for you to walk away if you are not sure. Now is not the time to be understanding. Now is the time for judgment. Outside of your salvation there is no decision more important than who you choose to be your wife (Judges 16:18-21). So choose wisely.
Remember, when it comes to picking a wife, if you start with law then it is much easier to give grace later. So find a wife who is godly, who is beautiful on the inside and out, who actually wants to be a wife instead of just wanting to be married. And remember these words, “Til death do us part.”
Happy hunting.
Brian Clark is a missionary to the United Kingdom. He planted Crossroads Baptist church in London, England.
