Impact of Discipleship: Noah Anthony
“Being paired with someone so different from me only pushed my judgemental heart.”
James 1:19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
The first time I met Braden Best, he came up to me in St. Pauls and slapped me on the back the hardest he could, in true Braden Best fashion. He asked me to get coffee and I said yes, though I was slightly confused. I had never received an email telling me who my discipler was, so at that moment I saw some random dude slightly yelling at me, asking me to get coffee. It was very obvious from the outside Braden and I were complete opposites: he was a buff ex-wrestler who loved working out and I wore tiny beanies and cut off all the ends of my pants. We were two stereotypes at exact opposite ends of the spectrum.
Before coming into discipleship, I had a very judgemental and selfish heart. Going to a school where you are required to judge others' artwork and expected to judge others in general only aided my carnal views. Pushing my insecurities onto others was a common form of resistance and outlet for my angry heart. Pride and anxiety had overtaken my life and I poorly attempted to put on some facade of humbleness or even holiness.
I grew up in a home that loved the Lord and was filled with ministry. My dad was the leader of the youth ministry at our church and I’ll always remember the zeal my parents had for the Lord as a kid. With parents that were strong leaders in the church, I only grew to find pride and glory in myself through that. I gave into the expectations that a pastor’s son has, with little care of what that meant. I thought being a good person was my personal way of showing Christ. My friends and I were good people, all of us went to church, but ultimately that meant nothing if we didn't have a reliance on God’s Word or even true salvation. Looking back, I spent a lot of time reading books about the Bible rather than the Bible itself, which said a lot about the validity I saw in God’s true and perfect Word.
Isaiah 64:6 But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away.
Being paired with someone so different from me only pushed my judgemental heart. As embarrassed as I am to admit it, I was excited for this newfound relationship and knew the Lord had worked his way within it, but I felt discontent because it didn’t look the way I wanted it to. Braden didn't care about his looks or being comfortable in so many ways I did, because he was confident in who he was and what he cared for in life and he knew truth. I couldn't say the same for myself.
Braden and I met twice for discipleship, and then in March of 2020, the pandemic hit, which made discipleship just that much more uncomfortable. I hadn't even started to understand what being a disciple should look like, and suddenly I was pushed back into an old environment, which meant my flesh wanted to run back to old habits.
“I would still take what he said and the Lord’s scripture with a grain of salt, believing in my own strength instead of the Lord’s.”
Through this time, and constantly throughout discipleship, the Lord made it consistently clear to me I had nothing else to run to except Him and His Word. Braden pushed me to see what I didn’t want to see through God’s Word. Everything he taught me came not from his own thoughts or ideas, but strictly what he knew and filtered through the Bible. He helped me see the value of truth and how God’s Word and each word within it is the only form of truth we have. But this came with more push, because if I knew God’s Word was true, I knew I had to fully believe in it. Ultimately discipleship taught me that I had to have God’s Word sewn into my heart, with a high regard for it.
There were so many things in the Bible I could believe. I believed in the creation story, I believed on the gospel, I believed all these stories. But if I could believe insane things like a world-wide flood, why couldn't I believe the things the Lord said about me and the will he had for me? Why was that the stopping point for my faith in these words? Why did I let my own insecurity and foolishness hinder me from falling into God’s Word?
Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.
Even with both Braden and the Lord’s grace, I would still take what he said and the Lord’s scripture with a grain of salt, believing in my own strength instead of the Lord’s. I trusted the lies that Satan put into my ear more than the counsel and Word that was being placed in front of me, and my reliance became on my own understanding. This ultimately led me to allow false lies to take over my thought life and convince me of so many things, and whether it was Satan telling me I wasn’t able to understand God’s Word or that I didn't fit in at Midtown, I would still foolishly lean into them. I would run to Braden and briefly let him in on my thoughts, again trying to hold that facade of holiness, but he would see right through me. This reached a point where I contemplated leaving Midtown and discipleship as a whole. I foolishly cared so much for MY own thoughts and MY own understanding, without any care to see what the Lord said about his will for me. I so badly wanted to serve him, but convinced myself I wasn't able to, debilitating myself for ministry. I had started “deconstructing” my faith, a popular practice in many Christians now with the idea of questioning why Christians believe what they believe and challenging the ideas presented within evangelical ideologies. I told myself I was “questioning,” but I actually asked no questions to any believers. In reality, I asked these questions to myself and sat with them, letting my emotions run my mind and without any intention of trying to figure out these thoughts. I had seen others leave, dear friends leave, but knew I couldn't do it. I left myself stuck as a double minded man.
James 1:8 A double minded man [is] unstable in all his ways.
I ran back to the walls I built up for myself before I was saved and went back into habits of self-destruction, depression, and anxiety again with no intention of even asking the Lord or Braden for help, because I was prideful and convinced myself I would be met with anger. I forgot that self pity and a low view of yourself is still pride and a focus on yourself, and pride is evil. Knowing my mind wanted to leave but my heart was being pulled to stay, the Lord was convicting me of this attitude and for my lusts of the world and I hated it. But, thankfully, I have a Father that still loves me and welcomes me back into his arms with love and a brother in Christ willing to lead me closer to Christ with direction. Braden would still lovingly remind me of my identity in Christ, he treated me like his own brother, and welcomed me in with a father’s heart that can only be learned from a heavenly Father.
“...discipleship fixed my eyes [to see] the full validity of each word placed in scripture.”
With a true understanding of the perfect Word that is the Bible, there is an understanding caught throughout that it really is not about you or your mindset in the slightest, but about Christ and how we should conform to him. Surprise. The Lord is still working if you’re not working, the Bible is still the ultimate truth even if you don’t agree, and ultimately God is still the judge of your life. How I feel and my emotions have no structure or truth in comparison to the Word of God. This is something I lacked starting discipleship. I felt that my opinion on the Word of God had some sort of priority when, in reality, my emotions and stances on things fluctuate with each week and each trend that comes by while the Word of God is solid and unchanging with every word taking hold of itself. My words can't compete with something infallible.
Ephesians 2:19-20 Now therefore ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellowcitizens with the saints, and of the household of God; 20 And are built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ himself being the chief corner [stone];
My understanding of the Word had to be my own, just like my salvation. No matter how my friends or parents felt about God’s Word, I had to yield what I knew as truth. Now I can say that discipleship fixed my eyes to cleave to the only truth I have, and see the full validity of each word placed in scripture. Discipleship fixed my heart towards the Lord and I am so thankful. I’m in a Bible study for a school I hated full of men my judgemental heart would never have expected to love so much, but that is one of the sweetest gifts the Lord has given me. I learned love in a whole new way through the investment Braden had on me. His heart mimics a father’s, and I hope to have a father’s heart like him, which he learned from our Father.
Noah Anthony is a member of Midtown Baptist Temple and a part of C&YA. He serves on C&YA Hospitality and the Living Faith Blog team. He is a part of a KCAI mens’ Bible study.