Sacrificing Self-hatred: Jonathan Best
“As I grew, I started to see my sin for what it was”
My focus for most of my life has been on my identity. I was born a twin, and although I did not wish for it, I was cursed with effectively half an existence for most of my childhood. I had to share everything, and while that wasn't the worst, what really sucked were the jokes I received due to being a twin. People would ask, “Does it hurt you if I hit him?” (A hypothesis that was disproved but one I often encouraged) and other illogical questions. As I grew and was saved, I started to view myself differently. I was now one of God's children. Having received His gift of salvation, I gained the Holy Spirit and I knew that when I die I would join Him in heaven. I was taught that I had an old man and a new man inside of me (Eph 4:22-24), and that I had the choice to live for my flesh or to walk in the Spirit.
As I grew, I started to see my sin for what it was. I decided that I hated my sin and that I did not want to commit it anymore. When I still sinned, I was disappointed and disgusted by myself, and over the years this descended into self-hatred and depression.
My logic was fairly sound. The Bible says that I shouldn't create provision for my flesh (Rom 13:14). There are many verses in the Bible telling the believer that they shouldn't walk like the world does, and every time I read those verses I thought of the sin in my life and hated myself more. Why couldn't I stop sinning? Why couldn’t I obey these verses? I knew I was saved, so why was I failing when the Bible said I had a choice?
Forms of this question and self-hatred grew until I longed for death so that I could get revenge on my flesh for the misery I was in. I wanted to be free. I knew I was already made free by Christ (Rom 8:2), and this desire for freedom that I supposedly already had just made me feel worse. I felt like I was somehow wasting God's gift to me and disrespecting Him while doing it, which I hated more because He was my God and I wanted to serve Him.
Yet, slowly, He was working in my life.
“I only saw myself for my flesh”
As I became more miserable, I eventually realized I did not have the fruit of the Spirit in my life and, I became tired of it. I became upset with the Lord for my situation which, for review, was entirely my fault. I confronted Him with my situation, and asked Him either for something to change or for Him to take me home to be with Him. I let Him know what was on my heart and what I thought about the situation. For clarity, I believed I had come to the end of myself and did not think I could go on with my life.
God didn’t move after this prayer for months. I was miserable for months.
At the end of this time was the C&YA Fall Retreat. During this event, we get away from the city and trust God to use three days to change our lives using preaching from His Word. I didn’t have any big expectations walking into this event; I was more focused on how I was serving food there.
Something I enjoy doing at these events is getting up before the sun rises to read the Word. I enjoy the peace and quiet in nature just to have time with me and God. I don’t remember much about my quiet time that morning, but I do remember that afterward I had plenty of time before breakfast. I decided that I wanted to walk around and just talk with God. What was supposed to be a nice time with the Lord turned into a venting session. I once again came to Him with my emotions and frustrations, and got bold with how I spoke to Him. I remember being fairly angry with Him and borderline demanding Him to move in my life. God answered my prayer fairly quickly. I believe the next teaching session we had He confronted me with my perspective of my identity (as well as the disrespectful tone I had with Him earlier). I only saw myself for my flesh. This perspective directly contradicted what God says about my identity, and that we know no man after the flesh (2 Cor 5:16). After hearing this I broke down. I was at the end of myself, and only at the time when I was broken could I let myself understand that I was wrong in this area.
“Once I stopped condemning myself for sins that had already been paid for, I realized that no one else was condemning me”
That was all that was accomplished that day. About a week or two later, I was in church and Pastor Brandon was giving a sermon about the identity of a believer in Christ. Finally, after hearing this, I realized I was wrong and gave in to the Lord. I decided that my perspective was wrong. What made this decision hard was that I didn’t know how to obey in this area. I didn’t have any discrete steps to take, so I decided that I was going to trust in the Lord before my own logic. If I needed to change my perspective on myself, but didn’t know how, then I just wouldn’t think about myself at all. I chose faith over my own logic.
Immediately I felt like I had been saved again and felt a weight lift from me. Once I stopped condemning myself for sins that had already been paid for, I realized that no one else was condemning me. It was evident that the ideas I once took as truth were lies.
After this paradigm shift, new things were opening themselves to me that I could never consider before. For example, when I hated myself, I never wanted to have kids. I didn’t want to raise another me. Now I could consider the idea due to the sacrifice of my self-hatred.
“If you let Him, Jesus will change your life, and He will do it in the best way possible”
Additionally, I realized the fruit of the Spirit could now be evident in my life because my heart was more aligned with God’s. When the Word said something — instead of taking it as a criticism against my character — I now could see it as a way to be more aligned with the Lord.
One of the most practical ways this was implemented in my life was through my attitude toward my relationship with Jesus. In Ephesians 5, Paul lays out instructions for husbands and wives and their actions and hearts towards each other. For me as a single man, this passage applies in instructing my heart towards Him. I am a part of the bride of Christ, which means that I need to obey as the passage indicates wives should (sounds weird I know). I am supposed to submit to the Lord Jesus, but it is no longer a forced obligation. I want to submit to Him because He saved me. He has done better things with my life than I could ever have. Why wouldn’t I want to obey Him? Why wouldn’t I love Him?
As a parting thought, I couldn’t recommend submitting to the Lord any higher. He brings the fruit of the Spirit, the first of which are love, joy, and peace. These qualities in their truest forms are unattainable through any other means. Without Christ, all love is shallow, joy vanishes, and I can’t think of a time when I ever had peace outside of sleeping. If you let Him, Jesus will change your life, and He will do it in the best way possible. I consider myself to have some dignity, but in this area, I willingly throw it away. This grown man is begging you, consider giving your life and heart to the Lord. If you have any reason to distrust Him, let Him prove Himself. Odds are, any negative perception of Him you have is due to your own opinions. Give Him a chance. I can tell you that He has never let me down. I’ve trusted Him for a lot of years and He has never done anything bad against me. Please don’t shut Him out.
Galatians 6:18 Brethren, the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit. Amen.
Jonathan Best is a member of Midtown Baptist Temple and is a part of C&YA. He is a part of a Friends of Internationals Bible study at UMKC.
