When People Leave and it Hurts
“Our mission isn’t to convince Christians not to leave our church, it’s to compel people to know Christ and be his disciple. ”
One of the hardest things about ministry is watching people leave the church. It can be hard to make sense of and can sometimes cause confusion. We build relationships with people and share life with them and then when they leave suddenly, it feels as though you have been thrown away or disregarded. We think to ourselves "this isn't how a family is supposed to work." I understand those feelings and after 20 years of ministry, I still grieve losing people and have a hard time understanding why certain people choose to leave.
How do we work through the loss of people in our church? What do we do if there is sin involved? What do we do when our questions go unanswered or we don’t get the answers we want? Over time, I have come to realize that a mature position relies on scripture as a framework for knowing everything I need to know (to the obvious exclusion of what I don't need to know). God has a way for us to move forward in faith that protects his children and promotes his purposes in imperfect situations.
#1 We can't always know people's motivations and trying to know can frustrate God's mission.
Jeremiah 17:9 The heart [is] deceitful above all [things], and desperately wicked: who can know it?
Sometimes we are surprised or hurt by people leaving, and it is our natural instinct to try and chase after them or retain them. We think that if we could just understand the catalyst for them leaving we could reason with them. Of course, there should always be an appeal to believe the Bible and to function in unity; but the truth is that when someone leaves it is usually after much personal turmoil and at the end of a series of conversations with leaders and pastors. Wanting to help people that are hurting is the right thing, but people aren't always open to receiving it, and our attempts often fail.
If someone is determined to leave it’s not healthy for us to try and convince them otherwise. Sometimes people have their minds made up and their reasons might not even make sense. Remember, our mission isn't to convince Christians not to leave our church, it's to compel people to know Christ and be his disciple. The key here is not getting hung up on people's motives or justifications, rather leave that to them and the Lord to sort out.
1 Samuel 16:7 But the LORD said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for [the LORD seeth] not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.
Trust the things we can’t understand to him.
#2 When people leave by sowing confusion, then we can know they aren’t leaving right.
1 Corinthians 14:33 For God is not [the author] of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints.
When people leave for the wrong reasons, sometimes they want to air their grievances. Sometimes they murmur on their way out the door. Sometimes people even purposely sow seeds of division in the church as they leave or in their “new community”. We know that when we see those behaviors, it is evident that their leaving (or at least the way in which they are leaving) isn't of the Lord. God wants unity and order in the body of Christ and when someone is determined to move on, there is a healthy and transparent way of handling it. If someone is purposed to be divisive, then we as a congregation can’t entertain that. We must be wise enough to not give an audience to resentful people who are baiting to be heard.
Eph 4:29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
“Choose to lay your qualms at the feet of Jesus and let him teach you how to forbear those who treat you wrong...”
#3 Some people were never really a part of the church family.
1 John 2:19 They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would [no doubt] have continued with us: but [they went out], that they might be made manifest that they were not all of us.
In its doctrinal context, this passage speaks of the end times and the inevitable deception of people in the church. A strong message and yet one that rings inspirationally true for local churches today.
People that spend time with us, fellowship with us and may have even been discipled among us are sometimes never really bought in. Perhaps they choose to leave because of doctrinal differences they never reconciled or a philosophical difference in our ministry perspectives. There is nothing actually wrong with those discrepancies and we invite people to make decisions in accordance with their convictions; particularly if we have peace that we have done everything in our power to love them and invest in them.
In other instances, people leave because they were never willing to submit to the structure of the church or may have been secretly living in sin. Some, as the passage alludes to, aren't even saved. Either way, we must recognize that some people go because they were never really knit to our local church to begin with.
#4 When people leave for selfish reasons, we can forgive that and be peaceable toward them.
Ephesians 4:31-32 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: 32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
Just because you feel mistreated doesn't mean you have the right to hold bitterness in your heart. There is nothing to defend besides the name of Christ and oftentimes the best way to defend his name is to forgive sin and immaturity. Do not let your heart become jaded the way others who leave the church often experience in their own hearts. Choose to lay your qualms at the feet of Jesus and let him teach you how to forbear those who treat you wrong and "forgive men their trespasses” (Mat 6:14-15). Seek to “live peaceably with all men” (Rom 12:18).
James 3:18 And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.
“...our hearts should continually be focused on the light that lays before us, not the wake of darkness behind us.”
#5 Once we forgive, we should pray God's best for people.
Colossians 1:9 For this cause we also, since the day we heard [it], do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding;
We don't have to agree with the reasons or the way in which a person leaves to love them. We ought to pray for those who leave for the wrong reasons, not that God would show them ‘what's up’, but that God would have his perfect way with their lives. All people are flawed and weak and people often leave out of failure and weakness. This should stir our hearts with pity. Our love demands we call out to God and say, "God, would you have your very best purposes and power ahead of them? Would you please use them despite this imperfect situation?"
#6 We are responsible for focusing on those we have and those we are winning, not on our hurt.
Matthew 9:36-38 But when he saw the multitudes, he was moved with compassion on them, because they fainted, and were scattered abroad, as sheep having no shepherd. 37 Then saith he unto his disciples, The harvest truly [is] plenteous, but the labourers [are] few; 38 Pray ye therefore the Lord of the harvest, that he will send forth labourers into his harvest.
So, someone didn't want to be shepherded in the flock of your local church...only God can know the reasons why. Should that loss suspend you from who you are called to be? Should the fact that some have willingly scattered prevent you from reaching those who have very naturally been scattered by the world—people desperate for a home? Many are lost and in need of forgiveness and discipleship. As fishers of men and undershepherds of God's work, our hearts should continually be focused on the light that lays before us, not the wake of darkness behind us.
Look up servant of Christ, don't be dismayed. There are still exploits ahead.
#7 There are healthy ways and reasons to leave a church.
As we said earlier, some people are divided from the body and can't be reconciled or won over. Maybe it's theological, philosophical, cultural or maybe they are unsure and no one can seem to get to the bottom of it. Regardless of the reasons, there is a way for a person to leave peaceably and on cordial and loving terms. It is our job as the body of Christ to facilitate that by 1) Making sure they have sat down with their pastor to discuss it. 2) Make a plan to hand off ministry responsibilities. 3) Encourage them to not feel the need to "be heard" on their way out. If they have to explain themselves to every single person, then they are actually promoting confusion. 4) Make sure they know they are loved and that you care for them.
This post is not exhaustive, and I am sure there are lots of complex and nuanced things that can be discussed. The point of this post though is to briefly share with you a biblical way for all of us to deal with the heartbreak of watching people we love leave the work that we love. God is our peace, and we can feel secure in him even when those around us falter or find another path.
Brandon Briscoe is the pastor over C&YA and oversees Living Faith Books publishing.
